Pesach Edition - Next Year May All Be Free!

פסח/Pesach is fast approaching.  Jews around the world will celebrate this festival wherein we recount the story of the Exodus.  We will recount how the Israelites' attained liberation from the bondage of Egypt.  We at Reyut want to use this post to share with you resources and texts you can use to enhance your Pesach observance.  We can all spread awareness about domestic violence and violence against women during this season.  We can name this modern day plague which rests, not on any one nation, but upon all. As we celebrate our freedom we are called upon to remember that the world is still broken, and that we are God's partners in the work of repair.  There are many in our communities who wait for redemption and freedom from violence, intimidation, control, and abuse. Some may even sit silently around our seder tables. At this season the words from the Pesach Kavanah found in Congregation Sha'ar Zahav's Siddur Sha'ar Zahav speaks to me:

"Neither the work nor the remembering will ever be finished in our lifespan; may we remember that liberation is not a destination but an ongoing labor of love. No one is free until all the bonds are cut.  May it be so, speedily, and soon, and let us say, next year in-  No, not next year.  Not anywhere else but right here, right now, everywhere and always." (pg. 377)

Below are some resources for homes, for congregations, for communities.

• Jewish Women International (JWI)'s Clergy Task Force has many creative prayers and blessings.  One is a dedication of a cup of wine meant to be used during the seder. Print the pdf and incorporate it into your seder. 
• Ritualwell is an online source of liturgical Jewish innovations.  It has this reading which adds to the Pesach seder as well.  The reading is from a full haggadah called A Journey Towards Freedom: A Haggadah for Women Who Have Experienced Domestic Violence.
• You can find the full haggadah here. 
• This reading is also an original piece from the same haggadah and responds to the traditional liturgical component Dayeinu.
• This reading also from the haggadah is meant to speak to the 4 questions section of the haggadah.
• The Religious Action Center (RAC) has this guide for incorporating issues of justice into one's Pesach observance.   Domestic Violence is one of several social justice issues discussed in the guide.

Am I My Brother's Keeper?

It has been about a month since NFTY Convention 2013.  We at Reyut: The Jewish Campaign For Healthy Relationships hosted two workshops.  It was a wonderful experience and we were so happy we could foster these great conversations with youth in the Reform movement.

We were very excited when we heard the NFTY Study Theme was renewed for another year.  Once again Jewish youth will be exploring the question that sprang from Cain's mouth in Bereishit:

"?הֲשֹׁמֵ֥ר אָחִ֖י אָנֹֽכִי" "Am I My Brother's Keeper?"

We believe that when our society is ready to answer that question in the affirmative we will begin to create a culture of Active Bystanders.  That time cannot come soon enough.  The incidence of teen dating violence, intimate partner violence, and domestic violence boggles the mind. 

We focused both the sessions on the study theme, “Am I My Brother’s Keeper?” and our responsibility to intervene and act as peer leaders.  We encouraged the NFTYites to explore scenarios in which they witness a form of dating violence and to brainstorm whether or not they would intervene, and if so how they could do so safely?  We discussed the fact that violence need not mean physical violence.  We discussed the benefits of intervening before a line is crossed in a situation.  We acknowledged that it is uncomfortable to step in or to say to your friend that their behavior is problematic, but that as Jews we have an obligation to stand up for others, to challenge unhealthy behavior, and to intervene in order to prevent harm to another person.

We ended our programs discussing how NFTYites could bring these conversations and ideas home with them.  Active Bystanders are not created in 1 hour sessions.  However, we hope that over time we can begin to create a culture wherein we actively stand up to foster healthy relationships and challenge unhealthy behaviors, language, and mindsets.  The fact that 12.7 million people are physically abused, raped, or stalked in a year is intolerable.  It speaks to a fact that we have to make a cultural shift.  While education is an important first step, real change can only come from peer leaders willing to act as Active Bystanders.  We can work together to ensure our communities are truly sukkot shalom - shelters of peace.  The change begins with us.

What is an Active Bystander? (adapted from materials on the active  bystander approach created for military)

• Active bystanders take the initiative to help someone who may be targeted for violent or unhealthy behavior
• Active bystanders also take the initiative to help friends who aren't thinking clearly from becoming perpetrators of unhealthy behavior.
• Intervention doesn't mean that you only step in to stop a crime in progress; rather, these steps are "early intervention" — before a crime or unhealthy behavior begins.

There are three components to Active Bystander Intervention.

• Assess for safety. Ensure that all parties are safe, and assess whether the situation requires calling authorities. When deciding to intervene, your personal safety should be the #1 priority. When in doubt, call for help.
• Be with others. If safe to intervene, you're likely to have a greater influence on the parties involved when you work together with someone or several people. Your safety is increased when you stay with a group of friends who you know well.
• Care for the potential victim. Ask if they are okay.  Find way to get them out of the dangerous situation.

Active Bystander Intervention takes a number of forms (this list is not by any means exhaustive):

• Talking to a friend to ensure he or she is doing okay
• Making clear to friends that we wont tolerate sexist behavior or attitudes, even if they are "just jokes"
• Making up an excuse to help the friend get away from someone
• Calling the police
• Pointing out someone's disrespectful behavior in a safe and respectful manner that tends to de-escalate the situation
• Removing a friend from a risky situation quickly

 By creating a culture of active bystanders we can create a safer community.  By saying we are our brother's and sister's keeper we recognize that we have the power and ability to prevent violence. 

Tim Gunn says NO MORE

Just when we thought we couldn't love Tim Gunn more than we already did...

 Project Runway host, Tim Gunn, is taking a stand against sexual assault and domestic violence by adding to the voices of the NO MORECampaign.  The NO MORE campaign is aimed at raising awareness about sexual assault and domestic violence and yesterday March 13th was NO MORE Day where the campaign was kicked off.  Like the breast cancer pink ribbon, this symbol represents the need to spread awareness around the issues of sexual assault and domestic violence. 

In Tim Gunn’s article in the huffington post he praised President Obama for signing into law the Violence Against Women Act Re-authorization.   However the sad reality is that a week later the two students from Stubenville, Ohio who are accused of raping an unconscious 16 year old girl have just started the trial.  Gunn speaks of the unconscionable acts of not only the offender but others watching and taking pictures and sharing on social media sites. Sexual assault and domestic violence do not go away after the signing of a bill, he says we need to do more, we need to change attitudes and behaviors across the nation.  We need to reduce the stigma around these issues and speak out and challenge our country to take this issue on like we take on other health issues, and only then can we end violence against women. 

“NO MORE challenges that assumption. I believe that by using the symbol repeatedly and widely, like any powerful brand , we can convey a powerful message: We all must play a critical role in preventing assault and abuse. On March 13 we are asking all Americans to take the time to:

KNOW MORE. Learn the signs of domestic violence and listen without judgment to the survivors of sexual assault. Get the facts and know the available resources.

Say NO MORE. Break the silence. Speak out. Seek help when you see this problem or harassment of any find in your family, your community, your workplace, or your school.

Share NO MORE. Share the NO MORE symbol with everyone you know. Facebook it. Tweet it. Pin it. Instagram it. Email it. Wear it. Help to increase awareness about the extent of domestic violence and sexual assault.

Ensure NO MORE. Get involved. Volunteer in your community, or donate to a local, state, or national domestic violence or sexual assault organization.

Visit nomore.org. Add your voice. Together, we can end domestic violence and sexual assault.”

Reyut Pledge

In order to kick off the month of February, which is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, we have created the Reyut Pledge.  No matter who we are, no matter where we live, each of us can find small and large ways to make a difference on issues of gender violence, teen dating violence, and intimate partner violence.  Take a minute to sign the pledge.  Commit yourself to being part of the community calling for, and creating, change!

Then help us spread the message.  We will be a loud voice calling for change this month!  Make sure your friends and family take the pledge as well.  Share this link with others and on social media.  By raising awareness we make a difference!  We all deserve healthy relationships.  Join us in pledging to do our part.

Ari & Sari

I was facebook stalking you....

“Did you and David break up?”

“Yeah how did you know?”

“Oh, I was facebook stalking you.” 

Comments like this are made all the time in our daily conversations and we think nothing of it.  However, this language is problematic. Too often after a break up stalking becomes a reality.  When we trivialize the situation in our every day language and make light of it, we minimize the experience of survivors.

Moreover, these types of comments point out the reality of living in the digital age.  Technologies and social medias like facebook make stalking easier for perpetrators.  To learn more about Stalking and how technology can be used to stalk go to the National Stalking Awareness Month website.

January is National Stalking Awareness Month.  Lets take this month to educate ourselves and others’ about the realities and seriousness of stalking.  6.6 million people are stalked every year in the United States.  Women and men are victims of stalking.  At the root of stalking is the attempt of a perpetrator to gain power and control over their victim - typically through actions meant to terrorize them. 

Moreover, often the stalker is someone you know.

We  know that 66% of female victims and 41% of male victims of stalking are stalked by a current or former intimate partner.  Stalking often occurs after a relationship ends because the partner is upset about losing power and control.  They begin to stalk their former partner in an attempt to regain that power and control.  

We can help our family, friends, students, congregants, or campers, if we know the warning signs.  What should you be on the look out for?  Common forms of stalking after a break up are: constant texting, constant calling, unwelcome visits, contacting friends or family to get in contact with the partner they lost, sending packages, threatening to hurt themselves or others (including animals.)  If you notice these things they may be warning signs of unhealthy behaviors.  You can learn more facts by clicking here, and to learn about safety planning click here.

Stalking is a serious issue.  It can effect an individuals mental and physical health.  It can have an impact on employment and school work.  It is important that we take this issue seriously and support individuals who experience stalking by acknowledging and respecting the impact it has on a survivor.

We at Reyut encourage you to spread the word during Stalking Awareness Month.  Share these resources.  Share this blog post.  Most importantly have these conversations with the people you care about.  No one thinks this will effect them or their community, but if we are informed we can help ourselves and others.  We can make a difference.

The Talmud teaches that a man should never terrorize his household (Gittin 6b-7a).  Our ancient text recognized that terror can be used as a destructive tool for maintaining control and power over others.  There is no justification for this unhealthy behavior.  Let's make our communities safer places through awareness and education.  Join us!

We all deserve to find Reyut...a relationship of respect, friendship, and love!

NFTY Convention 2013!!!

A couple of weeks ago I was on a business trip in Washington D.C. to assist an orientation sponsored by the Office On Violence Against Women.  During an afternoon off, a co-worker and I wondered around D.C. and after much walking, wanted to grab water.   The nearest place to get water was a Starbucks situated in a hotel.  After purchasing the water, I walked into the hotel lobby.  Much to my surprise, I started to feel like I had been there before.  After a few seconds, I remembered the chaos and excitement of hundreds of teenagers chilling in the hotel lobby. I realized that this was the hotel that hosted NFTY Convention 2003 when I was a junior in high school!

Many thoughts ran through my mind, memories of who had been there with me, how incredible it was to be surrounded by that many Jews my own age, and how its been just over 10 years!  So much has happened in those years.  I also got really excited thinking of the upcoming NFTY Convention in Los Angeles and how I have come full circle.  About 10 years ago I was a participant and this year I will be leading workshops at convention as part of Reyut.  

NFTY Convention 2003 (Ari on the left)

NFTY Convention 2003  (Sari on the left)

Many of the moments that shaped my teenage years took place in settings like NFTY, my TYG, and OSRUI.  However, looking back on those moments there was one thing that no one had educated me or my peers about and that was, "What is a healthy relationship, and how do you know if you are not in one?" These spaces created for Reform Jewish Youth are the perfect venues to address these issues and ensure we are fostering a culture for these teens of gender equality and partner equality.  February will be National Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month.   It is important that we take action during that month.  We are so grateful to NFTY for inviting us to convention so we can talk with teens about how they can, "make their move," on this issue. Healthy Relationship education and Teen Dating Violence are crucial subjects.  This year, they also happen to fit into NFTY's Study Theme (“Hashomer Achi Anochi”- Am I My Brother’s Keeper?) and Action Theme (R'Fuat Hanefesh - Caring for the Soul: NFTY Addresses Mental Health).  We are responsible for ensuring those in our community are in healthy relationships.  We know that unhealthy teen relationships can lead to physical, emotional, and mental health issues that can last a lifetime.  It is so important to be having these conversations in our movement - with teens, with parents, with Jewish professionals.

 NFTY Convention 2013 will be incredible.  Ari and I can still remember Convention 2003 so vividly.  There is not another experience like it.  So register!  We can't wait to see you there.  We can't wait to continue these vital conversations with old friends.  We can't wait to start new conversations.  We can't wait for you to join in Reyut: The Jewish Campaign for Healthy Relationships. 

"Nice Jewish Guy?"

The other day a friend of ours sent us a link to this article which talks about the new "Nice Jewish Guys Calendar."  As the Huffington Post article states, "Move over shirtless, toned firemen—nice Jewish guys are about to tug at the heart strings of ladies everywhere.The 2013 Nice Jewish Guys Calendar offers a buffet of 12 average-looking guys who would make momma proud.They’ve got good jobs, can do your taxes, and know how to spread a nice schmear."

We'll be the first to admit the idea made us laugh.  It is a funny concept.  Moreover, there is nothing wrong with the calendar or the idea behind it.  However, it is important for us to be cognizant of the fact that this Jewish stereotype is problematic.  In instances of gender violence it has led to victim blaming and also a feeling by survivors that they do not have a place in the Jewish community.  This simply cannot be tolerated.

In America, there is a longstanding history of both an internally and externally held belief that Jewish men are, by and large, "nice guys."  We all know the stereotype.  Jewish men care about family, they are well mannered, they care about academics, they are professionally successful, they have their lives together.

This image has led the Jewish and greater community to ignore, suppress, and stigmatize real issues that exist in the Jewish community and all communities: substance abuse, mental illness, and domestic violence to name a few.  In fact, in the 1906 Jewish Encyclopedia the article on Alcoholism stated, "Alcoholism prevails all over the world, and is probably increasing, more especially among the northern nations. But among the Jews it is almost an unknown affection. Their sobriety is proverbial; and the experience among Jewish medical practitioners is unanimously to the effect that occasion to observe the disease in the person of a Jew is of excessive rarity."  This type of denial exists around many social concerns including domestic violence.  After all, if Jewish men are "Nice Guys," they surely wouldn't be abusers.  We have slowly come to understand that this stereotype is far from the reality.  The Jewish community is not immune to any of these social issues.  The truth is that even nice-seeming Jewish boys hurt women.

Therefore, lifting up this stereotype is problematic.  It continues to cause many in the Jewish community to believe that domestic violence, teen dating violence, and intimate partner violence are nonexistent among Jews.  Both of us have heard from classmates, colleagues, and rabbis that these are not problems that affect nice Jewish boys and girls.  Therefore, we don't need to talk about them.  Such a mindset allows an abuser to exist unchecked.  It also creates a community that is not educated and therefore cannot recognize the threat of abuse and protect itself.   Most men do not commit violence against women, but Jews are no more immune to domestic violence than any other community.

Additionally, the "Nice Jewish Guy" stereotype makes it very hard for victims to find support and help.  If Jewish men are first and foremost thought of as "nice guys" then when a victim comes forward the community may tend to rally around the abuser.  After all, he is a nice guy.  Here too the stereotype masks perpetrators and has the potential to hurt and isolate survivors. 

There is nothing wrong with making Nice Jewish Guys your 2013 calendar.  There are plenty of nice Jewish guys.  The Jewish men on the calendar are probably very nice guys.  I don't know.  The fact of the matter is that neither do you.  All people, no matter who they are, must demonstrate their character to us in order to earn our trust.  We cannot base trust on a stereotype.  After all, Sondheim was right when he penned, "Nice is different than good."