"Nice Jewish Guy?"

The other day a friend of ours sent us a link to this article which talks about the new "Nice Jewish Guys Calendar."  As the Huffington Post article states, "Move over shirtless, toned firemen—nice Jewish guys are about to tug at the heart strings of ladies everywhere.The 2013 Nice Jewish Guys Calendar offers a buffet of 12 average-looking guys who would make momma proud.They’ve got good jobs, can do your taxes, and know how to spread a nice schmear."

We'll be the first to admit the idea made us laugh.  It is a funny concept.  Moreover, there is nothing wrong with the calendar or the idea behind it.  However, it is important for us to be cognizant of the fact that this Jewish stereotype is problematic.  In instances of gender violence it has led to victim blaming and also a feeling by survivors that they do not have a place in the Jewish community.  This simply cannot be tolerated.

In America, there is a longstanding history of both an internally and externally held belief that Jewish men are, by and large, "nice guys."  We all know the stereotype.  Jewish men care about family, they are well mannered, they care about academics, they are professionally successful, they have their lives together.

This image has led the Jewish and greater community to ignore, suppress, and stigmatize real issues that exist in the Jewish community and all communities: substance abuse, mental illness, and domestic violence to name a few.  In fact, in the 1906 Jewish Encyclopedia the article on Alcoholism stated, "Alcoholism prevails all over the world, and is probably increasing, more especially among the northern nations. But among the Jews it is almost an unknown affection. Their sobriety is proverbial; and the experience among Jewish medical practitioners is unanimously to the effect that occasion to observe the disease in the person of a Jew is of excessive rarity."  This type of denial exists around many social concerns including domestic violence.  After all, if Jewish men are "Nice Guys," they surely wouldn't be abusers.  We have slowly come to understand that this stereotype is far from the reality.  The Jewish community is not immune to any of these social issues.  The truth is that even nice-seeming Jewish boys hurt women.

Therefore, lifting up this stereotype is problematic.  It continues to cause many in the Jewish community to believe that domestic violence, teen dating violence, and intimate partner violence are nonexistent among Jews.  Both of us have heard from classmates, colleagues, and rabbis that these are not problems that affect nice Jewish boys and girls.  Therefore, we don't need to talk about them.  Such a mindset allows an abuser to exist unchecked.  It also creates a community that is not educated and therefore cannot recognize the threat of abuse and protect itself.   Most men do not commit violence against women, but Jews are no more immune to domestic violence than any other community.

Additionally, the "Nice Jewish Guy" stereotype makes it very hard for victims to find support and help.  If Jewish men are first and foremost thought of as "nice guys" then when a victim comes forward the community may tend to rally around the abuser.  After all, he is a nice guy.  Here too the stereotype masks perpetrators and has the potential to hurt and isolate survivors. 

There is nothing wrong with making Nice Jewish Guys your 2013 calendar.  There are plenty of nice Jewish guys.  The Jewish men on the calendar are probably very nice guys.  I don't know.  The fact of the matter is that neither do you.  All people, no matter who they are, must demonstrate their character to us in order to earn our trust.  We cannot base trust on a stereotype.  After all, Sondheim was right when he penned, "Nice is different than good."