NFTY Convention 2013!!!

A couple of weeks ago I was on a business trip in Washington D.C. to assist an orientation sponsored by the Office On Violence Against Women.  During an afternoon off, a co-worker and I wondered around D.C. and after much walking, wanted to grab water.   The nearest place to get water was a Starbucks situated in a hotel.  After purchasing the water, I walked into the hotel lobby.  Much to my surprise, I started to feel like I had been there before.  After a few seconds, I remembered the chaos and excitement of hundreds of teenagers chilling in the hotel lobby. I realized that this was the hotel that hosted NFTY Convention 2003 when I was a junior in high school!

Many thoughts ran through my mind, memories of who had been there with me, how incredible it was to be surrounded by that many Jews my own age, and how its been just over 10 years!  So much has happened in those years.  I also got really excited thinking of the upcoming NFTY Convention in Los Angeles and how I have come full circle.  About 10 years ago I was a participant and this year I will be leading workshops at convention as part of Reyut.  

NFTY Convention 2003 (Ari on the left)

NFTY Convention 2003  (Sari on the left)

Many of the moments that shaped my teenage years took place in settings like NFTY, my TYG, and OSRUI.  However, looking back on those moments there was one thing that no one had educated me or my peers about and that was, "What is a healthy relationship, and how do you know if you are not in one?" These spaces created for Reform Jewish Youth are the perfect venues to address these issues and ensure we are fostering a culture for these teens of gender equality and partner equality.  February will be National Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month.   It is important that we take action during that month.  We are so grateful to NFTY for inviting us to convention so we can talk with teens about how they can, "make their move," on this issue. Healthy Relationship education and Teen Dating Violence are crucial subjects.  This year, they also happen to fit into NFTY's Study Theme (“Hashomer Achi Anochi”- Am I My Brother’s Keeper?) and Action Theme (R'Fuat Hanefesh - Caring for the Soul: NFTY Addresses Mental Health).  We are responsible for ensuring those in our community are in healthy relationships.  We know that unhealthy teen relationships can lead to physical, emotional, and mental health issues that can last a lifetime.  It is so important to be having these conversations in our movement - with teens, with parents, with Jewish professionals.

 NFTY Convention 2013 will be incredible.  Ari and I can still remember Convention 2003 so vividly.  There is not another experience like it.  So register!  We can't wait to see you there.  We can't wait to continue these vital conversations with old friends.  We can't wait to start new conversations.  We can't wait for you to join in Reyut: The Jewish Campaign for Healthy Relationships. 

"Nice Jewish Guy?"

The other day a friend of ours sent us a link to this article which talks about the new "Nice Jewish Guys Calendar."  As the Huffington Post article states, "Move over shirtless, toned firemen—nice Jewish guys are about to tug at the heart strings of ladies everywhere.The 2013 Nice Jewish Guys Calendar offers a buffet of 12 average-looking guys who would make momma proud.They’ve got good jobs, can do your taxes, and know how to spread a nice schmear."

We'll be the first to admit the idea made us laugh.  It is a funny concept.  Moreover, there is nothing wrong with the calendar or the idea behind it.  However, it is important for us to be cognizant of the fact that this Jewish stereotype is problematic.  In instances of gender violence it has led to victim blaming and also a feeling by survivors that they do not have a place in the Jewish community.  This simply cannot be tolerated.

In America, there is a longstanding history of both an internally and externally held belief that Jewish men are, by and large, "nice guys."  We all know the stereotype.  Jewish men care about family, they are well mannered, they care about academics, they are professionally successful, they have their lives together.

This image has led the Jewish and greater community to ignore, suppress, and stigmatize real issues that exist in the Jewish community and all communities: substance abuse, mental illness, and domestic violence to name a few.  In fact, in the 1906 Jewish Encyclopedia the article on Alcoholism stated, "Alcoholism prevails all over the world, and is probably increasing, more especially among the northern nations. But among the Jews it is almost an unknown affection. Their sobriety is proverbial; and the experience among Jewish medical practitioners is unanimously to the effect that occasion to observe the disease in the person of a Jew is of excessive rarity."  This type of denial exists around many social concerns including domestic violence.  After all, if Jewish men are "Nice Guys," they surely wouldn't be abusers.  We have slowly come to understand that this stereotype is far from the reality.  The Jewish community is not immune to any of these social issues.  The truth is that even nice-seeming Jewish boys hurt women.

Therefore, lifting up this stereotype is problematic.  It continues to cause many in the Jewish community to believe that domestic violence, teen dating violence, and intimate partner violence are nonexistent among Jews.  Both of us have heard from classmates, colleagues, and rabbis that these are not problems that affect nice Jewish boys and girls.  Therefore, we don't need to talk about them.  Such a mindset allows an abuser to exist unchecked.  It also creates a community that is not educated and therefore cannot recognize the threat of abuse and protect itself.   Most men do not commit violence against women, but Jews are no more immune to domestic violence than any other community.

Additionally, the "Nice Jewish Guy" stereotype makes it very hard for victims to find support and help.  If Jewish men are first and foremost thought of as "nice guys" then when a victim comes forward the community may tend to rally around the abuser.  After all, he is a nice guy.  Here too the stereotype masks perpetrators and has the potential to hurt and isolate survivors. 

There is nothing wrong with making Nice Jewish Guys your 2013 calendar.  There are plenty of nice Jewish guys.  The Jewish men on the calendar are probably very nice guys.  I don't know.  The fact of the matter is that neither do you.  All people, no matter who they are, must demonstrate their character to us in order to earn our trust.  We cannot base trust on a stereotype.  After all, Sondheim was right when he penned, "Nice is different than good."

Intimate Partner Violence: Conversation Worth Having

We can only remember one instance in our high school years when we were presented with information about teen dating violence and domestic violence.  Clearly, one moment in four years is far too little education on such an important topic.   That being said, the presentation was powerful and stayed with us all of these years since.

As we read about the tragic murder of Kasandra Perkins by Jovan Belcher, we are brought right back to that moment in high school.  While it is unclear why Belcher murdered Perkins, this example of intimate partner homicide transports us back to the seats of our high school auditorium.

It was a regular school day but we all filed into the auditorium.  We don't remember knowing the subject of the assembly, but we remember quickly being captivated by the speaker.  His story, and the intensity of his presentation, grabbed our attention.  His name was Tom Santoro and he started Dear  Lisa, an organization devotes to educating teens, parents, and teachers about dating violence and the different forms abuse can take.

He began speaking to students about domestic and dating violence after his daughter, Lisa, was murdered by her ex-boyfriend.  She was a victim of intimate partner homicide.  He shared with us her story.  He also was one of the only people we can remember who broke down the different forms of abuse.  The program had a lasting impact on us.  It is not easy to really reach hundreds of high school students in one sitting.  However, it was clear that what we were being told was important.  In fact, it was because of his presentation that we were able to identify and respond, in some way, to a few of the unhealthy relationships that took place in our community of friends growing up. 

Both of us were changed by Tom's presentation.  We dearly wish we had received more education about healthy relationships, and we wish our Jewish community had been a part of that education.  It is one of the fundamental reasons we began Reyut: to foster these conversations, raise awareness, and run programming in our community.   So, as the country focuses on intimate partner violence and homicide, we're wondering why we don't talk about it more often!

Intimate partner violence (IPV) and homicide is a terrible reality of the world in which we currently live.  According to the CDC, 24  people per minute are victims of rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner in the US and in 2007 intimate partner violence accounted for 14% of all homicides. Despite its frequency, we ignore this issue unless it is perpetrated by a celebrity or a celebrity is the victim.  The media flurry around Belcher's murder of Perkins is the most recent example.  Despite the persistence of the problem, the articles will stop soon, and we will go back to ignoring it.  Intimate partner violence is an equal opportunity tragedy - it occurs no matter your age, no matter your income, no matter your sexual orientation.

As parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, or older siblings we have an obligation to have a conversation with our family.  As teachers we have an obligation to discuss this with our students.  As clergy we have an obligation to address this issue in our congregations.  As friends we have an obligation to look after and talk to our circles.  We can do more to ensure our loved ones know about intimate partner violence and homicide.  If we don't know about the problem, we can't do anything to prevent it.  Let's make sure the conversation does not end with this week's news cycle.

For more information on intimate partner violence you can go to the CDC's page.  If you feel you are in an unhealthy relationship, or fear that someone you care about is, please explore Love Is Respect, especially their information on safety planning. You can get in touch with them 24/7 to talk to someone and get help.  If you are interested in having us run a program you can always reach out to us at reyutcampaign@gmail.com

-Ari and Sari-

A Modern Message from Vayishlach

The parashah, the Torah portion, this week is Vayishlach.  One of the narratives we find in the text centers around the character Dinah.  Dinah was the daughter of Leah and Jacob.  The story of Dinah is the story of a woman who cannot travel freely and secure because of the danger she faces as woman.  

We read that Dinah arrived with her family and tribe to the city of Shechem.  She left her people to go see the women of the new community.  Traveling by herself, however, she is "taken" by a prince of the community who rapes her. As the commentary in The Torah: A Women's Commentary notes, the story gives no voice to Dinah.  While most people have been taught that the act described in Genesis was rape, this commentary notes that her consent in the sexual act does not matter because, as an unwed woman who lost her virginity, she is disgraced whether she consented or not.  Either way, the loss of her virginity out of wedlock shamed and debased her in the society in which she lived.  This sexual act by the prince, whether forced or not, lowered Dinah's status in the community.  It is the same reason why Tamar, King David's daughter, begged Amnon to marry her after he raped her in II Samuel 13.  The stigma of an unwed woman in this culture losing their virginity was so severe, it did not matter the circumstance.[1]

As we mark 16 Days of Activism Against GenderViolence the stories of Dinah and Tamar resonate.  Around the globe, there are women who live in fear because if they go out alone they risk the threat of rape and abuse.  It is the reason why, in America, our mothers, wives, sisters, partners, or female friends are scared to walk to their cars alone at night.  It is also the reason why women in the Democratic Republic of Congo or the Sudan live in fear as more than a thousand of them are raped a day because rape is used a tool of war and genocide.[2] Just as Dinah was not able to live a full free life because of the violence she faced, so too women around the world live less than free lives, because they fear for their physical safety.  Moreover, in many societies the "cult of virginity," persists.  Women who are raped are sometimes killed by their own relatives because of the shame they have brought upon the family.  Others are jailed for breaking a law that forbids women from fornicating out of wedlock.  Others flee home fearing for their safety should they stay.  Others are forced to marry their rapists.  As long as some cultures tie women's value solely to their chastity, rape will remain pervasively tied to conflict and warfare.[3]  

Like Dinah and Tamar, women all around the world face, not only the trauma of rape, but the trauma of communities who blame them, may punish them, ostracize them, and force them to live on the periphery of society despite the fact they are victims.  Lest we think this is just an old Bible story, women around the world, in your community and mine, who are survivors of rape are stigmatized and marginalized.  While the violence and the victim-blaming look different in every country and every culture, rape continues to be a plague which afflicts all.  It is rooted in a world society that is inherently misogynistic.  Most people are not rapists - that is true.  However, most of us promote or acquiesce to actions and beliefs that perpetuate a rape culture.  Many of us do so without thinking about this fact.  Yet that does not make us less culpable.

It is sad that a Biblical story about such horrific violence should sound so eerily modern to our ears.  Let's spend some time during these 16 Days ofActivism Against Gender Violence to focus on the terrible act of rape.  I would urge everyone to visit the UN's organization Stop Rape Now as well as the International Campaign to Stop Rape & Gender Violence in Conflict.  Read more, explore the issue, and take action to find ways you can get involved.  While this is a world issue, it is also a local issue, and you can find ways to take action in your community.

This Shabbat we will read Vayishlach.  We will hear the story about Dinah wherein she is denied a voice.  Let's continue to educate ourselves and our communities.  Let's continue to work to ensure that all women's voices are heard.  Let's pray and work for the day when women can walk the world without having to fear for their personal safety: when none shall make them afraid!

We at Reyut wish you a Shabbat Shalom,

Ari and Sari

---

[1] Eskenazi, Tamara Cohn, and Andrea L. Weiss. 2008. The Torah: a women's commentary. New York: Women of Reform Judaism, Federation of Temple Sisterhood.

[2] Women Forging a New Security: Ending Sexual Violence in Conflict – Nobel Women’s Initiative http://nobelwomensinitiative.org/2012/01/conference-report-women-forging-a-new-security-ending-sexual-violence-in-conflict/

[3] Kristof, Nicholas D., and Sheryl WuDunn. 2009. Half the sky: turning oppression into opportunity for women worldwide. New York: Alfred A. Knopf.

International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women

Today is The International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women.  It is day one of the international campaign 16 Days of Activism Against Gender Violence.  All around the world individuals and organizations are spending twenty four hours working to end one of the most pervasive evils in our world: violence against women.  Each of us can afford to spend a bit of time today taking action.  We at Reyut are making it easy!

There are many ways to join in the movement:

• You can share this blog post on your facebook profile and with friends and family in order to spread the word and help others get involved! 
• Visit the website of the International Campaign to Stop Rape and Gender Violence.  Read about the new organization and join people from all around the world who have signed the pledge to take action.
• You can check out Rutger's Center for Women's Global Leadership's 16 Days of Activism Against Gender Violence
• You can check out Jewish Women International's (JWI) efforts for a Jewish lens to the campaign
• You can post about the issue in social media sites - there are great sample posts here if you scroll down to "Sample Social Media Posts"
• You can educate yourself and others - Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide  is an incredible book, that turned into a movement, and has now been turned into a PBS documentary
• We are also very happy to share Chief Rabbi (of England) Jonathan Sack's post about The International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women
• You can also read and share information, stories, and videos from the United Nations Entity for Gender Equality and the Empowerment of Women's efforts

This is an incomplete list, but it is a starting place.  Let's all do our part to educate, inform, and take action!

Ari and Sari

We Are Thankful For Jennifer Lawrence

Last weekend I gave a sermon speaking to the need to free ourselves from the limiting and unhealthy images that define masculinity in America.  Click here to read it! Today, as we prepare to eat a great and awesome meal, I feel compelled to follow up on the theme.

It is not surprising that society boxes in our definition of femininity as well, and it is just as unhealthy as our definition of masculinity.  While society tells boys and men they need to be strong, in control, and violent, it tells women they need to be submissive, frail, and uber skinny.  Media feeds us image after image of airbrushed starving women.  Any, so called, "imperfections" magically disappear thanks to digital editing.  The images of women we put out into the world and consume are literally constructed and unrealistic.  Yet, we teach young girls and boys that this fiction is the ideal woman.

Well one actress is taking a stand.  Jennifer Lawrence, in a recent article, has stated that she wants to provide women with a competing image. Click here to read the article.  As Lawrence takes on more iconic roles, and is recognized by a greater audience, her stance reaches more of America.  She is perhaps most famous for her portrayal of Katniss Everdeen in the movie version of the popular young-adult book, The Hunger Games.  

In the article Lawrence stated, “I’m never going to starve myself for a part… I don’t want little girls to be like, ‘Oh, I want to look like Katniss, so I’m going to skip dinner."

Sadly, Lawrence is one of only a few actresses who try to provide women with a role model that broadens their conceptions of femininity and challenges society's image of a "real woman."  Moreover, she is fighting against an industry that perpetuates these unhealthy images of femininity.  Lawrence told Elle magazine, "In Hollywood, I’m obese. I’m considered a fat actress..."  Anyone who has seen Lawrence in a film knows that she in anything but obese.  However, Hollywood has never been the real world, and her stance could deprive her of roles.  The larger problem is we don't convey that these unhealthy images are fictitious.  Instead, we ask women to conform to these ridiculous images, leading to unhealthy behaviors and body-image problems. 

Just as we need to challenge definitions of masculinity rooted in concepts of violence and control, we must challenge images femininity rooted in concepts of submissiveness and frailty.   Our ideal image of a woman should not pressure young girls and women to starve their bodies.  We must promote a healthy broader image of femininity.

There is a midrash that states that God is like a minter who makes coins.  Like coins, each human is imprinted with the same image; in this case the image of God.  However, unlike coins which all come out the same, each human is made unique.  We learn from this midrash that our differences are part of what make us miraculous and tie us to the divine.  While society asks us to conform to a single image, it is precisely the fact that we are unique that demonstrates the awesomeness of God's creation.

We at Reyut are dedicated to working with youth and adults as we challenge these unhealthy gender constraints.  They are dangerous and can have lasting impacts on men and women.  Join us as we work to ensure our Jewish communities encourage us to freely express who we are. 

We at Reyut wish you a very Happy Thanksgiving!
Ari

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

A little over a week ago news spread that Salena Gomez and Justin Beiber are no longer a couple.  Tabloids reported the details of the split and Americans got sucked into the Hollywood gossip.   However, with all the commotion over the high profile celebrity break-up, we lose sight of what can be an important aspect in a healthy relationship: breaking up.  

Break ups are never fun and they can be emotional roller-coasters.  That being said, despite common misconceptions, breaking up can be healthy.  If one or both partners is not invested in the relationship anymore, it is best to be honest and open about it.  Do break-ups hurt?  Usually they do.  Does it hurt more to be led on by a partner or to lead on a partner?  It does.  Sometimes, breaking up is the healthiest thing to do for your relationship. 

There are some important things to keep in mind during a break-up:

1) It is important to turn to support systems outside of your dating relationship.  We all need help and support even when we're the ones ending the relationship. 
2) Emotions are running high during a break-up.  It is important to keep your safety in mind.  Sometimes break-ups bring out the worst in people.  Take extra care.
3) Sometimes a partner will promise the world to you in order to keep you in a relationship.  However, people are not that good at changing themselves.  It is unlikely the issues you had in the relationship will really change in the long run.

To read about some things to keep in mind right after a break up, read this blog post from loveisrespect.org

They are one of our favorite resources for teens in dating relationships.  If you don't know them take a few minutes to explore their site!


Sari