"When Teen Dating Turns Dangerous: The Scars From Abusive Teen Relationships can Last Into Adulthood"

We have heard many stories in the media recently about the outcomes of teen dating violence within relationships.  However, what often fails to grab the media's attention, are the long lasting effects of teen dating violence on survivors after an abusive relationship has ended.

Last week, in the Boston Globe, there was an article entitled, "When Teen Dating Turns Dangerous.”  What caught my eye was the tagline of this article, "The scars from abusive teen dating relationships can last into adulthood.”  

The article did not focus on the dangers of what can happen in an abusive relationship.  Rather it looked at the long lasting effects on the survivor.  Too often we look at teen relationships through the lenses of sweet young love; something full of naivete and innocence.  During a teen break-up we often say or think, “they’ll get over it.”  However Deinera Exner-Cortens, the lead author of a recent study from Cornell University, suggests we have to re-frame the way we think about a youth's early relationships.  Based on her study she comments: “A teenager’s first romantic relationship plays a critical role in helping an adolescent develop a sense of who he or she is — personally and sexually...If a teen’s first intimate relationship is abusive, it may skew what his or her view of what a healthy relationship looks like.”

These comments help us (adults, teachers, youth workers, clergy, parents, anyone invested in the health of a young person) see the importance of talking to our youth early on about dating violence and sexual violence.  We often worry that our youth are "too young" to be exposed to these issues.  However, perhaps we need to ask if we are reaching out to our youth too late, rather than too early.  Moreover, for some, a conversation with youth about healthy relationships, is never on their radar.  The article sites another study that demonstrates that parents feel a duty to talk to their children about alcohol and safe sex, but dating violence rarely makes the list. 

These studies demonstrate the need to talk to our teens about dating violence and sexual violence, because we KNOW that failing to do so could have impacts on their long-term health.  As we stated, it is not just parents who can initiate these critical conversations. It is our duty as aunts, uncles, cousins, teachers, NFTY Advisors, Youth Group Advisors, Clergy, youth mentors, summer camp staff, etc to engage our youth in these conversations.  Someone said it takes a village to raise a child.  If we feel a responsibility to our youth, we must be proactive about healthy relationship education.  We must have this conversation early enough to make a difference. 

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month.  Let's take this month to ask ourselves if we have had this conversation with the youth in our community.  If we haven't, it is time to rectify the situation.  It can be as formal as a program or a sermon, and as informal as a quiet conversation in the mini-van to Hebrew School or after dinner.  It is so important for us to educate the teens in our life about dating violence and sexual violence.  It can be a tough conversation.  Sometimes we may be embarrassed to engage.  Sometimes we don't have the words.  Sometimes it is hard to stop thinking of them as children.  No matter what may prevents us, we owe it to them to start the conversation.

Read a recent blog by JWI's Deborah Rosenbloom in the Huffington Post called, Time To Talk Seriously about Sexual Violence on Campus, that highlights some ways to start the conversation with your children about sexual violence.  For ideas on how to start the conversation about dating violence click here.