NFTY Convention 2013!!!

A couple of weeks ago I was on a business trip in Washington D.C. to assist an orientation sponsored by the Office On Violence Against Women.  During an afternoon off, a co-worker and I wondered around D.C. and after much walking, wanted to grab water.   The nearest place to get water was a Starbucks situated in a hotel.  After purchasing the water, I walked into the hotel lobby.  Much to my surprise, I started to feel like I had been there before.  After a few seconds, I remembered the chaos and excitement of hundreds of teenagers chilling in the hotel lobby. I realized that this was the hotel that hosted NFTY Convention 2003 when I was a junior in high school!

Many thoughts ran through my mind, memories of who had been there with me, how incredible it was to be surrounded by that many Jews my own age, and how its been just over 10 years!  So much has happened in those years.  I also got really excited thinking of the upcoming NFTY Convention in Los Angeles and how I have come full circle.  About 10 years ago I was a participant and this year I will be leading workshops at convention as part of Reyut.  

NFTY Convention 2003 (Ari on the left)

NFTY Convention 2003  (Sari on the left)

Many of the moments that shaped my teenage years took place in settings like NFTY, my TYG, and OSRUI.  However, looking back on those moments there was one thing that no one had educated me or my peers about and that was, "What is a healthy relationship, and how do you know if you are not in one?" These spaces created for Reform Jewish Youth are the perfect venues to address these issues and ensure we are fostering a culture for these teens of gender equality and partner equality.  February will be National Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month.   It is important that we take action during that month.  We are so grateful to NFTY for inviting us to convention so we can talk with teens about how they can, "make their move," on this issue. Healthy Relationship education and Teen Dating Violence are crucial subjects.  This year, they also happen to fit into NFTY's Study Theme (“Hashomer Achi Anochi”- Am I My Brother’s Keeper?) and Action Theme (R'Fuat Hanefesh - Caring for the Soul: NFTY Addresses Mental Health).  We are responsible for ensuring those in our community are in healthy relationships.  We know that unhealthy teen relationships can lead to physical, emotional, and mental health issues that can last a lifetime.  It is so important to be having these conversations in our movement - with teens, with parents, with Jewish professionals.

 NFTY Convention 2013 will be incredible.  Ari and I can still remember Convention 2003 so vividly.  There is not another experience like it.  So register!  We can't wait to see you there.  We can't wait to continue these vital conversations with old friends.  We can't wait to start new conversations.  We can't wait for you to join in Reyut: The Jewish Campaign for Healthy Relationships. 

"Nice Jewish Guy?"

The other day a friend of ours sent us a link to this article which talks about the new "Nice Jewish Guys Calendar."  As the Huffington Post article states, "Move over shirtless, toned firemen—nice Jewish guys are about to tug at the heart strings of ladies everywhere.The 2013 Nice Jewish Guys Calendar offers a buffet of 12 average-looking guys who would make momma proud.They’ve got good jobs, can do your taxes, and know how to spread a nice schmear."

We'll be the first to admit the idea made us laugh.  It is a funny concept.  Moreover, there is nothing wrong with the calendar or the idea behind it.  However, it is important for us to be cognizant of the fact that this Jewish stereotype is problematic.  In instances of gender violence it has led to victim blaming and also a feeling by survivors that they do not have a place in the Jewish community.  This simply cannot be tolerated.

In America, there is a longstanding history of both an internally and externally held belief that Jewish men are, by and large, "nice guys."  We all know the stereotype.  Jewish men care about family, they are well mannered, they care about academics, they are professionally successful, they have their lives together.

This image has led the Jewish and greater community to ignore, suppress, and stigmatize real issues that exist in the Jewish community and all communities: substance abuse, mental illness, and domestic violence to name a few.  In fact, in the 1906 Jewish Encyclopedia the article on Alcoholism stated, "Alcoholism prevails all over the world, and is probably increasing, more especially among the northern nations. But among the Jews it is almost an unknown affection. Their sobriety is proverbial; and the experience among Jewish medical practitioners is unanimously to the effect that occasion to observe the disease in the person of a Jew is of excessive rarity."  This type of denial exists around many social concerns including domestic violence.  After all, if Jewish men are "Nice Guys," they surely wouldn't be abusers.  We have slowly come to understand that this stereotype is far from the reality.  The Jewish community is not immune to any of these social issues.  The truth is that even nice-seeming Jewish boys hurt women.

Therefore, lifting up this stereotype is problematic.  It continues to cause many in the Jewish community to believe that domestic violence, teen dating violence, and intimate partner violence are nonexistent among Jews.  Both of us have heard from classmates, colleagues, and rabbis that these are not problems that affect nice Jewish boys and girls.  Therefore, we don't need to talk about them.  Such a mindset allows an abuser to exist unchecked.  It also creates a community that is not educated and therefore cannot recognize the threat of abuse and protect itself.   Most men do not commit violence against women, but Jews are no more immune to domestic violence than any other community.

Additionally, the "Nice Jewish Guy" stereotype makes it very hard for victims to find support and help.  If Jewish men are first and foremost thought of as "nice guys" then when a victim comes forward the community may tend to rally around the abuser.  After all, he is a nice guy.  Here too the stereotype masks perpetrators and has the potential to hurt and isolate survivors. 

There is nothing wrong with making Nice Jewish Guys your 2013 calendar.  There are plenty of nice Jewish guys.  The Jewish men on the calendar are probably very nice guys.  I don't know.  The fact of the matter is that neither do you.  All people, no matter who they are, must demonstrate their character to us in order to earn our trust.  We cannot base trust on a stereotype.  After all, Sondheim was right when he penned, "Nice is different than good."

Intimate Partner Violence: Conversation Worth Having

We can only remember one instance in our high school years when we were presented with information about teen dating violence and domestic violence.  Clearly, one moment in four years is far too little education on such an important topic.   That being said, the presentation was powerful and stayed with us all of these years since.

As we read about the tragic murder of Kasandra Perkins by Jovan Belcher, we are brought right back to that moment in high school.  While it is unclear why Belcher murdered Perkins, this example of intimate partner homicide transports us back to the seats of our high school auditorium.

It was a regular school day but we all filed into the auditorium.  We don't remember knowing the subject of the assembly, but we remember quickly being captivated by the speaker.  His story, and the intensity of his presentation, grabbed our attention.  His name was Tom Santoro and he started Dear  Lisa, an organization devotes to educating teens, parents, and teachers about dating violence and the different forms abuse can take.

He began speaking to students about domestic and dating violence after his daughter, Lisa, was murdered by her ex-boyfriend.  She was a victim of intimate partner homicide.  He shared with us her story.  He also was one of the only people we can remember who broke down the different forms of abuse.  The program had a lasting impact on us.  It is not easy to really reach hundreds of high school students in one sitting.  However, it was clear that what we were being told was important.  In fact, it was because of his presentation that we were able to identify and respond, in some way, to a few of the unhealthy relationships that took place in our community of friends growing up. 

Both of us were changed by Tom's presentation.  We dearly wish we had received more education about healthy relationships, and we wish our Jewish community had been a part of that education.  It is one of the fundamental reasons we began Reyut: to foster these conversations, raise awareness, and run programming in our community.   So, as the country focuses on intimate partner violence and homicide, we're wondering why we don't talk about it more often!

Intimate partner violence (IPV) and homicide is a terrible reality of the world in which we currently live.  According to the CDC, 24  people per minute are victims of rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner in the US and in 2007 intimate partner violence accounted for 14% of all homicides. Despite its frequency, we ignore this issue unless it is perpetrated by a celebrity or a celebrity is the victim.  The media flurry around Belcher's murder of Perkins is the most recent example.  Despite the persistence of the problem, the articles will stop soon, and we will go back to ignoring it.  Intimate partner violence is an equal opportunity tragedy - it occurs no matter your age, no matter your income, no matter your sexual orientation.

As parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, or older siblings we have an obligation to have a conversation with our family.  As teachers we have an obligation to discuss this with our students.  As clergy we have an obligation to address this issue in our congregations.  As friends we have an obligation to look after and talk to our circles.  We can do more to ensure our loved ones know about intimate partner violence and homicide.  If we don't know about the problem, we can't do anything to prevent it.  Let's make sure the conversation does not end with this week's news cycle.

For more information on intimate partner violence you can go to the CDC's page.  If you feel you are in an unhealthy relationship, or fear that someone you care about is, please explore Love Is Respect, especially their information on safety planning. You can get in touch with them 24/7 to talk to someone and get help.  If you are interested in having us run a program you can always reach out to us at reyutcampaign@gmail.com

-Ari and Sari-